Experimental Nazi Zombies...

I found the following on The Daily Beard's "Ask Daily" section...Needless to say, I got a huge kick out of it.

Dear Daily


I have a serious issue that I would like to try to understand yet don’t know where to start. Why is it that nobody accepts MySpace comments of mine with pictures of disgusting and repulsive autopsies? I don’t understand why people don't like me for it. Whenever I try to leave an autopsy comment, it always gets deleted. I, as a zombie, feel personally offended by this and feel its a discrimination issue and a hideous violation of zombie rights. When are people going to give zombies a chance to express themselves?!!?


Please help and cheers,

-ENZ


Dear Experimental Nazi Zombies,


Cheers. I am sorry that you are suffering. And thank you for your frank thoughts regarding one of my pet issues: "The insensitivity of the in-crowd."

Experimental, have you ever heard the expression "You are like a diamond in the rough?" And have you ever thought about how subtly demeaning it actually is? Without careful examination, one might make the mistake of mistaking this cliché for a compliment.

The phrase "in the rough," could be considered particularly belittling for you, Experimental, as you are made wholly of decaying dead flesh.

Whensoever you are forced to face the wooden faces of the "in-crowd," now and heretofore evermore you will probably spark a premonition of their own unavoidable future-demise. Despite your efforts to shine, you will always seem like "the rough," before their eyes with little hope of ever gaining in lustre, sparkle or even flicker. It's best to come to terms with this in your own fashion and sooner than later, My Dear Zombie.

Don't mistake my meaning! You are not without great value or great beauty; quite the contrary. People are people, and a diamond may be a girl's best friend, but "You can't cook on it!" the prophets have already observed.

I have always preferred loaves of fresh bread to these so-called precious stones.


I am not trying to talk you out of your pain, Zombie. It may always hurt you when others say that your horrific visage is too ugly for them to keep company with, But is it that your visage is too hideous for them to bear Zombie, or simply too beautiful?

In my experience, "the in-group," rejects someone like you because of Raw Fear and nothing else. But truth be told, their fear has nothing to do with you. They only run and hide due to the the many less-than-tasteful facets of their being that you reflect to them simply by being true to your essential nature.


There are many aspects to a truly beautiful person, Zombie. And to be certain, you embody more than a few of them. Your sensitivity, intelligence, forthrightness, your willingness to be vulnerable are all ample proofs that you are indeed worthy of the moniker: Raw Beauty.

--And just because a thing is rare, does not make it valuable.

What if we could change the “diamond in the rough,” metaphor to “You are like a loaf of bread covered by a touch of mold.”

So what. When baby goes hungry, foodstuffs are ALWAYS more valuable than other people’s opinions. And anyway what do zombies eat? Other people’s brains.

I would use this to my advantage if I were you, Experimental. Next time one of these insensitive clods decides to reject you on the basis of your appearance or the way that you express yourself, I suggest this: --Crash their exclusive-party like you were the guest-of-honor, ignore their behavior, peel back their skull-caps and immediately begin eating their brains like so many delicious trays of cocktail wieners. That will more than likely give you the understanding that you seek.


Compassionately,


-Daily Beard

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